This is a basic three-step process for counseling. This is a process to use when someone comes to you for help with a problem or wanting to talk about something. It's for "normal neurotics like you and me" and not to deal with patients suffering from serious mental issues.

It avoids giving advice (a mistake in any kind of counseling). If you stick to this method, you'll be safe and probably do much good.

Stage One: Listening

Listening means knowing the meaning of the text as well as the emotions that go with it.

Cerebral comprehension isn't enough.

Do not make statements that defines the issue or the other person's feelings; ask instead. Don't say, "You're feeling . . . " but instead, "Are you feeling . . ? ". It's not, "The issue is . . ." But instead, "You think the problem is . . ." " or "The way you see it . . . ". At this point, it might suffice to be able to say "uh-huh" or shake your head.

The process ends when the person begins to talk about the root of the issue. You'll know that you've done well when you get agreement to your suggestions of what the issue is and the feelings behind it.

Stage Two Stage Two: Exploratory Listening

If the person who is talking to you is able to hear them, they will move on to deeper things. At this stage you can start asking exploratory questions. You can ask if they've ever had this experience before. What have they attempted to do in similar situations - whether or not it worked and if there are any additional thoughts or emotions that are going on for them. If you can clearly see something provide observations about what you see. For example, "You seem happy/sad/angry . . ." and etc. Even here it is probably better to ask a question instead of making an assertion.

The critical issue at this point is to stay in touch with their feelings in the way they are feeling them.

If you're unable to handle this, tell them; don't fake it. It could be something like, "Sorry, I can't handle this right now." They'll appreciate it more than pretending (and they'll be able to tell if you are just pretending).

This phase is finished when the issue is seen differently and a different perspective is achieved.

Stage Three: Doing Different Things

Once they see things differently they will begin to approach things differently or at least plan to.

The temptation for anyone who comes to you with an issue is to rush to this stage immediately. This is not a good idea. What is needed is time to explore what is happening and to look at it in a different way.

At this stage you can suggest what been successful for you.

Don't be enticed by the phrase "Yes, but . . . ".

If they give reasons that your suggestions aren't working Don't debate. Instead, ask them what they have tried, why it didn't work, and what they can do differently this time.

It is possible to arrange the possibility of Amanda Smith them checking in with you to ensure you can keep track of how they are doing with their new approach to performing things.

The stage is finished when they test their new behaviours with you or when they've plans for the new behaviour they wish to share with others.

This is mostly about listening.

The other person is always aware more about their own circumstances than you do.

Never offer advice about what people should do. In the third phase, you might want to share your experiences in the event that you've dealt with similar issues yourself.

With a little practice you can get quite good fast at this skill. You could end up becoming the person people turn to for advice'. As long as you do follow this method and do not offer any suggestions, you'll do much good and help numerous people.